NOTE: This is long, but if you want to get to know me better read on....
The blogging world is strange. I think a blog will fall into one of three groups:
Fluffy: The ones that make you think, "Is this person's life real?".
TMI: You read them and think "Wow, did they really just post that and put a photo to go with it?".
Keepin' it Real: Then there are the ones that seem to be a balance of both and just seem real.
Sometimes I think mine leans towards the Fluffy side. Not because I go to Europe four times a year and brag about it, buy a new home with all the bells and whistles before the age of thirty, dress my kids in only Gymboree or end all my sentence with "the best ever!!!
The reason I feel like I lean towards fluffy is because I think you will be hard pressed to find a post about what is really going on in my mind. I hope my blog doesn't give the impression that my life is all rainbows, roses and tied up in a pretty bow. It is not! Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to write more openly. But I don't want to be a TMI blog. So I keep writing about the rainbows in my life....So in an effort to post something in the Keepin' it Real blog group I want to write about Motherhood.
It's hard to be a Mom! I really struggle sometimes. When I have good moments I feel really good. But I feel like I mess up on an hourly basis. I wake up thinking this will be the day that I don't mess it all up! Sometimes I get so tied up in the details of being a mother that I feel like I am not stopping to enjoy all the snuggles, quit times, soft teaching moments and telling my kids that I love them. I tell them all the time, but can you say that enough? I know my kids are thriving, smart and are growing up to be great little human beings. But one of my biggest fears is having them look back on their childhood and think that their Mother was one of the most highstrung people in the world. I am terrified that during my impatient moments I am embedding that in their memory and they will just hate me for it in the future. I know I am guilt of not letting them do kids stuff because it doesn't jive with me trying to micro-manage everthing they do. I feel like sometimes the only thing I am telling them is "Stop it", Don't, Quit it!"
Sidenote: This will illustrate what I am talking about with the memory thing. One time when I was about 7 we were out on a sand dune. I was with my Dad and some of my siblings. The vehical that we were driving got stuck and I started to cry because I was scared. My Dad told me to be quite in his mad voice. I remember being so hurt by that. Hurt that he didn't understanding why I was upset and offer my some comfort. As I look back at that incident as a parent, he just wanted me to shut up so that he could concentrate on finding out what was wrong with the car. I get it as adult why my Dad was so mad and needed me to be quite right away. I have other memories like this too. But I get it now as adult why as a kid you think your parents aren't listening to you or don't understand you. But they do.
So return to me and my role as a Mom. Sometimes I look at my kids and think, "Oh, my word there are three of them and they look for me to solve their problems or at least teach them how to solve their problems. And do you know what goes through my mind...."I'm not qualified for this!" Although, I am 37, in sooooo many ways I don't feel like I any more mature than I was when I was 14!
So there it is when you talk about confidence and my ability to handle Motherhood I am about a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm just talking about my confidence. The product I am producing as a result of my effort being a Mom is of course a 10+ !
Rowdy made my day last night when he said "Mom, I'm never going to forget the promise we made. The promise that I will never be to big or grown up to hold your hand!" I told him, "Me neither, buddy." So, I guess I'm not doing to bad
4 comments:
I love it, Thanks for being brave and honest. I loved what you said about not being qualified, sometimes I think when did I get old enough to have three (almost four kids), how do I even know what I am doing. It's strange how your life just morphes into something different and that you just get the hang of what you are supposed to do. You are a great mom and you arent' the only one that has those weak impatient momments, but at the end of the day your kids know you love them. Way to post something real :) I love it and hope you do it more. I often wonder why as mothers we are so afraid to admit that we are scared and afraid and overwhelmed. I wish we could be more honest and not feel bad about it.
Bravo, Jules, fantastic post! Just know that there are countless ladies out there feeling the exact same thing you are feeling every moment, whether it's the disciplinarian or the mushy mom.
I love this Julia. I often feel like I spend 99% of my day saying, stop, quit it, I said no, etc. I feel like a manic depressive mom, either really mean or overly sentimental.
Thanks for writing this, I think all moms can appreciate it.
I know exactly what you are feeling! I think you were reading my mind! Thanks for sharing it helps us all feel not so alone in our stuggles to do the best we can.
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